A Learning Experience
by TheLostMaximoff
Summary: Jinx attempts to sort out her feelings after the events of 'Deception'.


A Learning Experience

By TheLostMaximoff

Disclaimer: Don't own these characters. I had been planning to write something about Jinx for a while because she seems pretty cool and then thanks to 'Deception' this whole Jinx/Cyborg thing came out of left field so I decided to do something on it. R/R and enjoy.

Everybody has those moments. You know, the kind of moments that help make you who you are. You could make a list of those moments and trace your evolution, see what you've become compared to what you were. Somewhere on the list is your first crush, I bet. Your first crush helps you figure out what type of guy you want. Me? Well, I don't really know what my type is. I thought I did but I guess I was just pushing my luck. Luck runs out eventually though and it always seems to when you need it the most.

I sigh as I stare at my notebook. This isn't going exactly the way I wanted. I wanted to sit down and write out everything I feel inside about you. I have trouble putting it all into words or at least words that have any cohesion. I flip back some pages and feel myself blush. Your name is written over and over again in the margins of my notes. Then your name and my name with a heart in between them. God, I'm so whipped. If Gizmo or Mammoth saw this I'd die of embarrassment. Even I think it's silly now that I look at it again. You weren't the person I thought you were. You were one of them, the enemy. I feel so stupid for thinking we could work out. I don't know what I saw in you in the first place. You certainly aren't as powerful or graceful or perfect as I am. You definitely don't have any style or fashion sense. No, that pink dress went out of style years ago I'm sure. I catch myself smiling at that. You wore it so proudly even though it was meant to degrade and humiliate you. I used to think I was confident. After all, I'm the head of my class, even brighter than my graduate peers although that's no strenuous task. But you, you have real confidence. Even when you were pretending to be someone else you were still the same person inside. I wish I was as sure of who I am as you are.

Listen to me, trying to make excuses, trying to find reasons to still continue this childish pining for someone I'll never be able to be with. What made me ever try? You are far above anything I'll ever be. Look at you: tall, dark, and handsome. So suave and confident. And me? Look at me. I look . . .I don't know, weird I guess. My hair, my clothes, my makeup. Everything feels so out of place now. I thought I knew who I was and now all I want is to be whatever you want me to be.

I guess I tried too hard. Everybody has their place. Everybody's stuck with what they have and the life they lead. Maybe that's what made me like you so much. You were new, different, exciting. You were someone I could use to help me change who I was. But that was stupid. I am what I am. Maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm stuck with that lumbering idiot and that snotty shrimp for the rest of my life, that I'm stuck here at the Academy being a "bad guy" forever. Gizmo has a crush on me I think. He tries to impress me by building grand, elaborately deadly devices or insulting people around me. Why not just resign myself to my fate? It's obvious I'll never be good enough for anyone like you. Gizmo and Jinx. The very idea of it in that context is repulsive. Cyborg and Jinx? Better reaction but completely forbidden. Stone and Jinx? Perfect. I wouldn't have written it a thousand times on my notes if I didn't like the way it looked or sounded. Too bad that will never happen.

And why won't it happen? Why can't I be with someone I love? Because I have my world and you have yours. The Teen Titans could never accept me and I know the H.I.V.E. will never accept you after you've already deceived them. Everyone has their niche in life. You're the hero and I'm the villain. You can't mix opposites; it throws the universal balance all out of whack. We would never work out as a couple. Yet still, I continue to torture myself with thoughts of you. I thought writing it all down would make more sense but it's only served to confuse me all the more.

I give up. Honest to God, I give up. I'm through with hoping you'll come back. I'm through with the fantasy of you, the gallant knight in shining armor, rescuing me, the fair damsel in distress. Life is what it is and we are what we are. I thought I could break out of my mold and not be the arrogant, condescending, lonely witch I am but I know now that I can't. I have only two options: a life of loneliness or a life with someone who is not you. I want neither of them but it's all I have been given. Thank you for showing me those options, Stone. Stone. Even your fake name is handsome. No, my feelings for you were all a dream or a glitch in the system of the universe. We can't happen, not now and not ever. I'm not that lucky and I'm definitely not worth the second chance. Just go with your friends, Cyborg. Go be the hero and get the girl. I'll just stay here, stuck for all eternity because I'm too scared to be what I want to be. We were a fluke, Cyborg. We were an anomaly, a once-in-a-lifetime spike in probabilities and statistics that will never occur again. You're not my type. I wish you were but there's nothing I can do to change it. All you are to me now is the enemy and all the time we shared together is simply now thought of as a learning experience.


End file.
